4 months, 4 weeks and eternity part 3

On Wednesday, we were discharged to go home and while I was glad to be out of the hospital, it brought a finality with is that was difficult. We also had to explain it all to Wyatt. He was there the night we had Noah but his main concern was the IV in mommy's arm and if it hurt. He is definitely a momma's boy and I'm okay with that. My mom brought him back to our house as he had been staying with my parents. He had made me some pictures and was showing those to me and telling me all the things he got to do at grammy's house. We sat with him on the couch and gave him the bear we made for him with Noah's heartbeat in it. We explained how Noah was not in mommy's tummy anymore and is in heaven with Jesus. We told him how he could always hear Noah's heartbeat in his bear anytime he wanted. He kept telling me it was okay and that we could bring Noah home another day. I had to tell him Noah was NEVER going to be able to come home and he just cried and cried. Trying to wrap his head around what forever means and understanding Noah won't ever be able to sleep in his bed like he prayed for and everything that means to a 4 year old was hard. I just held him for a long time and cried with him. My sweet little Wyatt was trying to comfort me and patting my face saying it was okay because we could always hear Noah's heartbeat with his bear. It melted my heart and broke it all at the same time. It's such a big thing for such a little one to comprehend.

We talk about Noah a lot and Wyatt sleeps with his bear every night. He named him Freddy. There was a bear in the floral arrangement on Noah's casket and Wyatt calls that "comfy bear". Every night he sleeps with both of them and I often hear him playing Noah's heartbeat over the monitor while he's laying in bed.

We had a graveside service one week later on July 31st for family and a few close friends. The day prior to that, both sets of our parents went with us to see Noah one last time. I think I cried the most at this point. More than I did at Noah's birth and more than I did when we first found out about Noah's diagnosis. I was so broken and hurt. I held his hand and he was so cold. I know it was just his body and he's no longer there but at that point, it didn't make it any easier. Coming to terms with the fact I would never see his chubby cheeks, his nose and lips that looked just like Wyatt's or know the color of his eyes has been beyond heartbreaking. This was the last time I would ever see his body here on earth.

Noah was buried the next day in a gown made from my very own wedding dress. We were never able to dress him in the outfit I had made for him as he was just too fragile after he was born. We were able to get some pictures of him with a hat embroidered with his name on and the same mickey mouse hat Wyatt wore the day he came home from the NICU but the only thing Noah ever wore was a piece of my wedding dress. The symbolism of that is beautiful to me. His daddy and I promised each other 8 years ago we'd be there for each other no matter what and our promise is the same for each of our children. That dress represents those things just like a rainbow is a sign of God's promises to us.

That evening we celebrated Noah with over 100 friends and family who came to our balloon release for him. I was afraid 5 people would show up but I should have known better. I was blown away by the number of people who came. It was not only our friends but friends of our family members as well. Our pastor spoke for a few minutes and then had a few people gather around us to pray while everyone else extended hands toward us as they prayed from their seats. It was such a beautiful representation of God's love. These people (many of you that are even reading this) are the very people who have walked beside us for 4 months. They are the ones who have hugged us and prayed for us. They have brought us meals and filled our freezer. They have donated money and time and offered to clean our house and mow our lawn. They are the ones who continue to carry us through the most difficult season of our lives. This is our tribe and it reaches farther that I could have imagined. There are no words to convey our gratitude.

Not only were there many who came that night but many who could not and did their own balloon release in honor of Noah. Part of our Herbalife family near Houston, friends from coast to coast and one even in front of Cinderella's Castle at Walt Disney World. There were candles lit by a close group of friends of mine who live all over the US. The list goes on and on.

Outside of praying for a miracle for Noah, I had prayed his life would be meaningful and ultimately would bring others to know Jesus. I have no doubt both of those will happen. There are hundreds and maybe even thousands of people that already know Noah's story. That is not by coincidence. My prayer remains that through our faith and through Noah's life, someone or many someone's will come to know Jesus. I can think of no greater thing to happen.

If you don't know my savior and how you can know you'll go to heaven, please let me tell you about it. Our faith has brought us through this and we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that Noah is now whole and in heaven. We also know that because Jesus died on the cross for our sins and we have accepted him into our hearts that we will one day see Jesus and our precious Noah again and for that we are eternally grateful.

Noah James Deets

July 24, 2017

3 pounds 2 ounces

15 inches

I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms. We love you our precious son.

4 months, 4 weeks and eternity part 2

My c-section was scheduled for 7 that evening but as it turns out that wasn't going to happen. My doctor was at his other hospital for a delivery. So, we waited....and waited....and waited. We then found out that there was an emergency c-section at my hospital so even though my doctor was on the way, we still had to wait....and wait some more. Keeping Wyatt entertained that long and WAY past his bed time was a challenge to say the least. Everyone got something to eat during the waiting period and the birth photographer we had brought back a bag full of goodies for Wyatt to help entertain them which was so thoughtful and sweet.

Finally, at about 10 pm, they took me back to the OR while James and Ryley (my doula) waited outside in their awesome "scrubs" until they could come in too. It was a little strange and unnerving to be in the OR completely awake and aware of everything. By the time I was in the OR for all of the other surgeries I've ever had, I was already pretty loopy. That was not the case this time and that was a little frightening. However, again, I had some amazing nurses and anesthesiologist. They walked me through everything to help calm my nerves. I discussed anxiety meds with the anesthesiologist. I was happy to get the spinal in because then I didn't feel so cold (seriously the OR is freezing!).

Once They had me all prepped, James and Ryley came in and I was so grateful they were there. At 10:54 p.m. Noah James Deets was born. Our nurse put a hat on him and wrapped him up for us then gave him to James. I was having a hard time seeing his face through the tears and I was trying so hard not to cry because that just makes your stomach move and I figured that can't possibly be good during abdominal surgery. Then I started feeling a heaviness on my chest and I'm pretty sure Ryley could see in my face something was wrong because she asked me if I was okay. I told her I felt like I was having a hard time breathing and she relayed that to the anesthesiologist who apparently was watching my monitor pretty closely at that point already. He gave me something in my IV and then all was well again. Before I knew it we were being wheeled back to our room through the hallway of our waiting family with tears streaming down their faces.

Ryley took Noah's footprints and then each of our family members held our precious Noah. It was difficult and I was the last to hold him as I was shaking pretty badly after surgery and was afraid of dropping him. It was close to midnight at this point so, we had my parents come in first so they could hold Noah and then go home to get Wyatt in bed. Wyatt never got to see his brother. It was a choice we made after Noah was born. Noah had been gone probably closer to 48 hours before he was born so he was physically in bad shape already. It was just too much for a 4 year old so we made the difficult decision to not let Wyatt see him. While I don't regret that decision, I so very much wish Noah had been born alive so Wyatt could meet him if only for a minute. This is probably one of the hardest parts for me.

Our family all left and then it was just us. James, Noah and me. We did not keep him long. I will not go into details but it was just time to let him go. Our nurse came in to weigh and measure him about 1 a.m. and we told her it was okay to take him then. She went ahead and weighed him in our room and that was the first time we saw him without his hat on. That was difficult. As a mother, you want to fix the hard things and the bad things for your kids. You want to kiss their boo boo's and check for monsters under the bed but I couldn't do that for Noah. I couldn't fix him. I would have done anything if I could have to make it better. Our amazingly compassionate nurse Sibi weighed Noah and measured him, then wrapped him up in a blanket, put him on her shoulder and walked out with him. He was now gone physically from me forever. I would never again feel him tiny feet in my ribs, or feel him stretch his legs or his elbows move like he was kung foo fighting. I would never again hold his tiny 3 pound 2 ounce body in my arms and oh how they ache to hold him again. It was done. It was over. Forever.

Sibi brought us turkey sandwiches from the fridge because what else do you eat at 1:30 in the morning after you haven't eaten in 16 hours when nothing is open? She was gone for awhile and then came back and had done some molds of Noah's hands and feet and some hand and footprints as well. I was so grateful she took the time to do them. We were able to get one footprint after birth but Noah's little hands weren't cooperating for us to get his handprints but Sibi was able to do them for us.

We did our best to get some sleep after that. At 4 a.m. my nurse came in to have me sign some papers as the funeral home had come to pick up Noah. I finally had to ask for something to help me sleep. I was emotionally spent, I was itching from one of the meds they gave me during my surgery and I slept about 2 hours the night before. I was exhausted. I was able to get about 2 hours of sleep before my nurse had to make me get out of bed to stand up. By 8 in the morning I was still very itchy so my day nurse gave me something to help with that. It knocked me out from 8-1 which was kind of nice honestly. We got a laugh out of that though because she gave me a VERY VERY little dose and it knocked me out so long. She was like, "You don't take anything ever do you?". I told her nope and James probably rolled his eyes at me because he's always getting on to me if I have a headache or something and won't take anything for it. At least when I do take something it works overly well I guess:)

I finally was able to get out of bed since I was more coherent and my mom brushed my hair for me. I'm sure it was a wreck and I didn't even think about it. Our family came to visit and our pastors again and we had a stream of people come in and out until Wednesday evening when I was discharged to go home. I went 12 hours without pains meds (long story - not the hospitals fault). I don't recommend doing that. We had the best staff I could have asked for that were so caring and respectful to us during everything. They were so very kind and just amazing. God placed the exact right people there for us. To be continued....

4 months, 4 weeks and eternity Part 1

It has been 4, almost 5 months now since we were given Noah's diagnosis. It has been one month since we said goodbye. We are promised eternity with him.

On July 24, 2017 at 10:54 pm, Noah James was born into the arms of Jesus. We knew how this would ultimately end but it did not prepare me for how things would go. Two days before Noah was born, I was sitting on the couch with Wyatt and Noah was moving around in a way I had never felt him before. I remember putting my hand on my belly and talking to him telling him it was okay and to calm down. This was the last time I felt him move. I don't know if he was gone right then or shortly after but I can tell you by the next morning I knew in my heart he was gone.

I got in the shower and got ready to run my errands for the day. I laid on the bed on all fours and every way I could to try and get Noah to move. I was in tears and James came in and just hugged me. I told him I hadn't felt him move since yesterday morning. I drank cold water and never could get him to move again. I ran my errands as best as I could, came home and packed hospital bags, did laundry etc. I had a doctor appointment Monday morning and in my heart, I knew what was going to happen and I knew we wouldn't be coming home from that appointment.

My heart was unsettled that night. I didn't sleep well or much at all. I was trying to hold it together as I was texting my doula. I was too afraid to say the words to her that I thought he was gone already but I later found out she already had a feeling herself (funny how God works, huh?). We went in for our appointment Monday morning and did the usual check up. The nurse could not find Noah's heartbeat like they usually could. She found mine and told me that was Noah's. I think she honestly was trying not to make me panic but I knew. I already knew.

The doctor came in and again could not find Noah's heartbeat. He had us go down to the ultrasound room. We had to wait for the machine to warm up. James came to hold my hand while the doctor did the sonogram. After what felt like forever he told us there was no heartbeat. All the emotions I had been trying to hold together since Sunday morning came pouring out. Noah was already in heaven. I wanted to badly to see him alive if only for a few minutes but that wasn't God's plan.

We originally thought we would go in for an induction but after discussing things with my doctor, we all chose the safest option for me which was a c-section. Due to the fertility surgeries I had last summer I was already at an increased risk for uterine rupture. Having pitocin for an induction raises that risk quite a bit so we chose the safer option. James and I sat in the room as my doctor called the hospital to make arrangements. All the beds were full so, we were sent home for awhile to wait as they discharged patients.

We made phone calls to our family and my doula. By the time we arrived back home our family was all already at our house waiting for us. My mom had been watching Wyatt as we no longer took him to appointments with us. She had our things ready to go and packed Wyatt's bag for me. We hugged our family and cried a lot of tears. Wyatt was so excited to have his cousins there to play but was trying to figure out why we were all crying again. He kept on playing which is what I would have wanted him to do anyway. The hard part for him would come later.

Our pastor and another staff member from our church came to pray with us. I remember sitting in the living room talking with him and he asked us what we thought God had shown us the most through all of this. Faith over Fear. For me, that is the biggest thing I've learned. I had absolutely ZERO control over everything. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome or to even prevent it from happening in the first place. NOTHING. You either learn to have faith no matter what and overcome every fear you have about it all or you go down a path of self destruction. Was it easy? No. Were there times I was angry/sad/mad and even questioned God. Yup. Every time that little voice of doubt or fear tried to make room in my heart, I turned to the one thing that spoke truth to my heart: my Bible.

After they left, we tried to get Wyatt to take a nap knowing it could be a later night for him. He wasn't having any of it so, I laid down with him for awhile. All I could think about was that was the last time I would ever be able to hold both of my boys here on earth. Wyatt had been praying for months that Noah could come sleep in his bed. That was the best I could do for him.

James and I put our things in the car and drove to the hospital to check in. From the moment we walked into the L&D unit we were greeted with such love. The charge nurse that checked us in was so compassionate and sweet. When she took us to our room she was getting me all set up with my high fashion gown and she asked James how he was doing. He said he was okay and she said, "No, you're not" and gave him a long hug. I wasn't even out of the bathroom from changing before my amazing doula arrived. We all hung out in the room for a bit until family started arriving. I think the nurses just stopped asking who the visitors were for and just told them our room number, ha! We maybe should have mentioned we have a lot of family :)

One Week

It's been exactly one week since our life was completely turned upside down. As I posted my last post, I thought about editing out the section where I said I was 18 weeks along with this pregnancy and everything was fine. I wish I could edit this whole part of my life out but I can't. So, I left it but the story doesn't end there.

Last Wednesday, we went in for our routine anatomy scan. The appointment had been scheduled for this past Monday but we bumped it up so we could find out the gender of our baby and surprise our families on Easter. Instead, we got the worst news I can honestly ever imagine.

We went into the room to wait and the doctor was running late. I was anxious for him to come in and do the sonogram. When he got in the room he asked us if we wanted to know the gender and we said he did. He put a DVD in to record the sonogram I assume. He found out the gender right away. It's a boy! We were so excited and Wyatt was excited to find out he's having a brother. I could see the baby's little legs moving around and he looked like he was waving. The doctor continued on to check everything out and he got to the head. His face changed. He kept looking. He finally said, "I'm afraid I have some bad news". I knew something was wrong but in that nano second of a moment, I didn't think it would be as bad as it is.

Then the doctor told us our baby has anencephaly. WHAT?!?! I had heard the term before and knew a little bit about it. I knew he wouldn't live. My heart just sank. I looked over at James and with tears in my eyes told him our son won't live. Our son has no brain. You can see on the sonogram that there is absolutely nothing above his eyes.

In that moment, our lives forever changed. We won't ever be the same again. Ever. How do you go from planning a baby shower to planning a funeral? It makes no sense to me. I can feel our son, my baby. I feel him move and kick but the only place he can live here on earth is in my womb.

We have many questions. I would be lying if I said we understood. We don't. It is hard to wrap my ahead around it and how this could happen after everything we have been through. I have cried. I have yelled. I have been through just about every emotion any person can have in the span of a week (and sometimes within an hour). How do we explain this to Wyatt? What do we say? How much do we say? What is delivery going to be like? What will he look like? How long will he live? Will we have minutes or hours? How am I going to survive the next 4 months? Will he even make it to delivery? Do you cremate or bury? Could I have prevented this? Will it happen again?

There are thousands of questions and we have no answers. Most doctors would encourage you to induce now to save you the emotional pain of carrying to term. Ours did not. He values life like we do (part of the reason we chose him). It wouldn't have mattered. I knew the choice I would make anyway. I will carry our son to term or until Jesus takes him home - whichever is first. Was it an easy choice? Yes and no. It was easy because I saw his heart beating. I feel him moving. I can not take his life. It's not mine to take. Is it hard? A thousand times, yes. It is so incredibly hard to put into words the emotions I've had.

I talked about Joy in the Journey in my last post. It's really easy to look at this and be angry. I've had my moments of anger too. I've also had moments of Joy. What? Maybe in a few years I can look back at this and find more moments that I can't see now but there have been a few moments already.

We have had to lean more on our faith than ever before. It is literally the only thing keeping me going. I thought I would never be able to see Easter the same way after all of this and in a way I was right. However, I don't think I will look at it with sorrow as I thought I would but instead with a heart full of gratitude for what my Jesus did for us. Because of the choice he made, I know that I will see my son again and his body will be whole and perfect in every way. I keep picturing him at the feet of Jesus in heaven. It still hurts my heart to know that I won't get to spend much time with him here but it makes me happy to know he will be with the person who understands this pain like no other - God.

I have found joy in the support we have been given from family and friends. They have cried with us, they mourn with us, and they have prayed with us. On Saturday night we went to church as usual. Neither of us wanted to go but we knew we needed to be there. There were hugs from the moment we stepped in the building to the moment we left. During the invitation, we were blanketed with prayer from our pastor and several of our friends. I had held it (mostly) together during the service but at the end a sonogram was shown (it was part of the sermon). I just couldn't hold it together anymore. The tears came but I felt the hands of our friends behind us and I knew they were praying. I sobbed on my pastor's shoulder as he prayed with us at the altar. I don't remember a whole lot but I know those prayers haven't stopped (sorry about staining your jacket Kris!). It.Was.Hard.

I've had several people tell me in the last week how strong I am. I'm not. I'm not strong or brave or any of the other things people have said to me. I'm human. I'm scared, angry, sad, heartbroken and a multitude of other things. I have to take each day, hour and second at a time. We don't know how much time we really have with our son but we hope for as long as possible. I am normally a very open person (maybe too much?) but I find myself not wanting to share anything right now. I want to keep him to myself for every second I can. I don't want Wyatt to leave our sight but then I realize that's the fear talking and if there's one thing I learned you have to have faith over fear.

We will continue to go on the vacation we had planned this summer to Disney. At first, I wanted to cancel the whole thing but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go. It will be the only time I will be able to have both of my son's there with me.

I have more I want to say but I will leave that for future posts. Please keep praying for us. There are some difficult days ahead. I'm not sure I will ever be able to bring myself to call a funeral home but the reality is, those are things that have to be done.

Keep sending us texts, emails, messages, phone calls or whatever else. We do read them all. It's not always easy to respond but we do read them all. Please pray for our whole family. There are grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who are all heartbroken too and a soon to be 4 year old who doesn't understand what is going on. He doesn't what it means that his brother won't live here with us but instead with Jesus. It's so much for a little heart to comprehend and I have no doubt that when the reality of it sets in for him, he too, will be broken hearted. As a mother, that is probably the second hardest part of all of this. I can't make it better for him.

We are trusting God will carry us through. We don't know God's plan or why this happened and we probably never will here on earth but we trust that God DOES have a plan and He will see us through.

I leave you with this song by Selah. One of the singers in that group lost a baby girl soon after birth as well. This song was written for her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not Truth is I'm barely hanging on But there's a greater story Written long before me Because He loves you like this

[Chorus] I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you

Such a short time Such a long road All this madness But I know That the silence Has brought me to His voice And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning Walked her through the parted seas Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes Who could love her like this?