My c-section was scheduled for 7 that evening but as it turns out that wasn't going to happen. My doctor was at his other hospital for a delivery. So, we waited....and waited....and waited. We then found out that there was an emergency c-section at my hospital so even though my doctor was on the way, we still had to wait....and wait some more. Keeping Wyatt entertained that long and WAY past his bed time was a challenge to say the least. Everyone got something to eat during the waiting period and the birth photographer we had brought back a bag full of goodies for Wyatt to help entertain them which was so thoughtful and sweet.
Finally, at about 10 pm, they took me back to the OR while James and Ryley (my doula) waited outside in their awesome "scrubs" until they could come in too. It was a little strange and unnerving to be in the OR completely awake and aware of everything. By the time I was in the OR for all of the other surgeries I've ever had, I was already pretty loopy. That was not the case this time and that was a little frightening. However, again, I had some amazing nurses and anesthesiologist. They walked me through everything to help calm my nerves. I discussed anxiety meds with the anesthesiologist. I was happy to get the spinal in because then I didn't feel so cold (seriously the OR is freezing!).
Once They had me all prepped, James and Ryley came in and I was so grateful they were there. At 10:54 p.m. Noah James Deets was born. Our nurse put a hat on him and wrapped him up for us then gave him to James. I was having a hard time seeing his face through the tears and I was trying so hard not to cry because that just makes your stomach move and I figured that can't possibly be good during abdominal surgery. Then I started feeling a heaviness on my chest and I'm pretty sure Ryley could see in my face something was wrong because she asked me if I was okay. I told her I felt like I was having a hard time breathing and she relayed that to the anesthesiologist who apparently was watching my monitor pretty closely at that point already. He gave me something in my IV and then all was well again. Before I knew it we were being wheeled back to our room through the hallway of our waiting family with tears streaming down their faces.
Ryley took Noah's footprints and then each of our family members held our precious Noah. It was difficult and I was the last to hold him as I was shaking pretty badly after surgery and was afraid of dropping him. It was close to midnight at this point so, we had my parents come in first so they could hold Noah and then go home to get Wyatt in bed. Wyatt never got to see his brother. It was a choice we made after Noah was born. Noah had been gone probably closer to 48 hours before he was born so he was physically in bad shape already. It was just too much for a 4 year old so we made the difficult decision to not let Wyatt see him. While I don't regret that decision, I so very much wish Noah had been born alive so Wyatt could meet him if only for a minute. This is probably one of the hardest parts for me.
Our family all left and then it was just us. James, Noah and me. We did not keep him long. I will not go into details but it was just time to let him go. Our nurse came in to weigh and measure him about 1 a.m. and we told her it was okay to take him then. She went ahead and weighed him in our room and that was the first time we saw him without his hat on. That was difficult. As a mother, you want to fix the hard things and the bad things for your kids. You want to kiss their boo boo's and check for monsters under the bed but I couldn't do that for Noah. I couldn't fix him. I would have done anything if I could have to make it better. Our amazingly compassionate nurse Sibi weighed Noah and measured him, then wrapped him up in a blanket, put him on her shoulder and walked out with him. He was now gone physically from me forever. I would never again feel him tiny feet in my ribs, or feel him stretch his legs or his elbows move like he was kung foo fighting. I would never again hold his tiny 3 pound 2 ounce body in my arms and oh how they ache to hold him again. It was done. It was over. Forever.
Sibi brought us turkey sandwiches from the fridge because what else do you eat at 1:30 in the morning after you haven't eaten in 16 hours when nothing is open? She was gone for awhile and then came back and had done some molds of Noah's hands and feet and some hand and footprints as well. I was so grateful she took the time to do them. We were able to get one footprint after birth but Noah's little hands weren't cooperating for us to get his handprints but Sibi was able to do them for us.
We did our best to get some sleep after that. At 4 a.m. my nurse came in to have me sign some papers as the funeral home had come to pick up Noah. I finally had to ask for something to help me sleep. I was emotionally spent, I was itching from one of the meds they gave me during my surgery and I slept about 2 hours the night before. I was exhausted. I was able to get about 2 hours of sleep before my nurse had to make me get out of bed to stand up. By 8 in the morning I was still very itchy so my day nurse gave me something to help with that. It knocked me out from 8-1 which was kind of nice honestly. We got a laugh out of that though because she gave me a VERY VERY little dose and it knocked me out so long. She was like, "You don't take anything ever do you?". I told her nope and James probably rolled his eyes at me because he's always getting on to me if I have a headache or something and won't take anything for it. At least when I do take something it works overly well I guess:)
I finally was able to get out of bed since I was more coherent and my mom brushed my hair for me. I'm sure it was a wreck and I didn't even think about it. Our family came to visit and our pastors again and we had a stream of people come in and out until Wednesday evening when I was discharged to go home. I went 12 hours without pains meds (long story - not the hospitals fault). I don't recommend doing that. We had the best staff I could have asked for that were so caring and respectful to us during everything. They were so very kind and just amazing. God placed the exact right people there for us. To be continued....
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