46 days of torture

I admit it. I have avoided blogging like the plague lately. Mostly because I wanted to come here and tell you I was ready to move on but I can't. I can't tell you my miscarriage is over. I can't tell you I'm ok emotionally. I can't tell you this has been easy and I can't tell you that I wish I had chosen the D&C.

The truth is, I have chosen it. I called my doctor today to schedule it. His nurse is out today but will call me Monday. I'm going to see what my options are at this point but I'd like to have my gall bladder our at the same time if possible. I'd rather do everything at one time because enough is enough.

It's been 46 days. Forty-six days of continuous bleeding. Forty-six days of not knowing if today will be the day. Forty-six days of what if's, waiting, and boarding an emotional roller coaster. I never thought I'd be jealous of anyone woman who had a miscarriage but I am. I have yet to talk to anyone who has had to wait this long. Most were over in days. I am going on 2 months. Every day when I pack my bag for work, I have to make sure I have enough "supplies" and pain pills because you never know if today will be the day.

I've had days of clots and heavy bleeding but the bleeding never completely stops. So, today I made the decision that enough was enough. I am scheduling surgery for the first week of June when I am out of school. If I can get my doctor to do surgery n a Friday, I will do it sooner but I'd rather not have to take off of work at the end of a school year. My resolve has disappeared. I just want to be "normal".

This weekend is mothers day. I'm not even sure I will be able to handle being at church. We'll have to see. Truthfully, I want to go to some beach, lay on a hammock and get lost in a book. Escaping reality just seems like a much more pleasant option at this point.

Ya know, I was prepared for the physical pain and even the emotional pain to a degree but no one tells you about the guilt. You feel like a failure. I already felt that way because of all my infertility issues but then when I did actually get pregnant, my body failed at that. I feel like I've failed as a mother and a wife. No one tells you about that part.

OK, pity party for one is over now. It's time to move on to surgery so, I can move on from this pit :)

I do have some good news, though! I have a new job! I will post more details when I know more.