46 days of torture

I admit it. I have avoided blogging like the plague lately. Mostly because I wanted to come here and tell you I was ready to move on but I can't. I can't tell you my miscarriage is over. I can't tell you I'm ok emotionally. I can't tell you this has been easy and I can't tell you that I wish I had chosen the D&C.

The truth is, I have chosen it. I called my doctor today to schedule it. His nurse is out today but will call me Monday. I'm going to see what my options are at this point but I'd like to have my gall bladder our at the same time if possible. I'd rather do everything at one time because enough is enough.

It's been 46 days. Forty-six days of continuous bleeding. Forty-six days of not knowing if today will be the day. Forty-six days of what if's, waiting, and boarding an emotional roller coaster. I never thought I'd be jealous of anyone woman who had a miscarriage but I am. I have yet to talk to anyone who has had to wait this long. Most were over in days. I am going on 2 months. Every day when I pack my bag for work, I have to make sure I have enough "supplies" and pain pills because you never know if today will be the day.

I've had days of clots and heavy bleeding but the bleeding never completely stops. So, today I made the decision that enough was enough. I am scheduling surgery for the first week of June when I am out of school. If I can get my doctor to do surgery n a Friday, I will do it sooner but I'd rather not have to take off of work at the end of a school year. My resolve has disappeared. I just want to be "normal".

This weekend is mothers day. I'm not even sure I will be able to handle being at church. We'll have to see. Truthfully, I want to go to some beach, lay on a hammock and get lost in a book. Escaping reality just seems like a much more pleasant option at this point.

Ya know, I was prepared for the physical pain and even the emotional pain to a degree but no one tells you about the guilt. You feel like a failure. I already felt that way because of all my infertility issues but then when I did actually get pregnant, my body failed at that. I feel like I've failed as a mother and a wife. No one tells you about that part.

OK, pity party for one is over now. It's time to move on to surgery so, I can move on from this pit :)

I do have some good news, though! I have a new job! I will post more details when I know more.

In the middle

Doctor update: drew labs. Sono scheduled for Wednesday at 11:20 ( a very inconvenient time for me). My doctor asked me how long I wanted to do this. I told him I wanted to see what this set of labs and the sono said before I made a decision. He said it was completely up to me and he was fine with me waiting as long as I needed. I asked how I could know for sure if this was a viable pregnancy and he said keep doing labs or do a D&C. I said well, if I did that and the baby was fine then I just ended a perfectly fine pregnancy, to which he said yes.

We talked for about 15 minutes. He hates this for me. He told me I'm super brave and a strong woman. I told him I was only brave in his office, at home it's different, ha.

Anyway, for now - I just keep waiting and praying for a miracle. The numbers ARE going up but not like they should or need to. I just don't know if I can determine to do a D&C unless I have to. I think if this is going to end, I want it to happen naturally. The really crappy part of that is the waiting and until then I still have pregnancy symptoms. Ugh. I just want an easy answer, honestly.

I feel like if I decide to do the D&C I will always wonder if it was the right decision. I guess for now I will just pray the sonogram and labs will miraculously show things are normal or that my body will end this on it's own. I need to move on in one direction or another. In the middle sucks.

Square One or Two?

Well, I don't even know how to start this post. I had my follow up appointment with my doctor this past Monday. We talked about everything. We talked about a D&C, a sonogram, what to do next etc. We talked for 45 minutes. We decided that we would repeat my blood work to see if my levels were down to 0 yet and go from there. He didn't seem to think a D&C would be necessary since I bled heavily but again we would do labs first.

That was on Monday and I really didn't think anything about it until Friday. So, I called to see what my levels were. The nurse called me back and told me they were over 600! She asked if I could come in for labs then but I wouldn't have been able to make it to the office before they closed. SO, I will go in Monday for more labs. She said my doctor would probably want to do a sonogram so, they will schedule that for me on Monday and depending on the results of that, possibly a D&C.

I just feel so uncertain about everything now. How can my levels not only rise AFTER I thought I had a miscarriage but to actually be within normal limits? It doesn't make sense.

I'm hurt but right now, I'm angry. I spent the last 2 weeks grieving and was finally feeling like I could move on and with one phone call, I'm right back where I was. Not pregnant but not not pregnant. What does that even mean?

For right now, I am simply having to trust God through this. If it's meant to be, I'll have a baby in December. If it's not meant to be, I'll have to move through the grieving process again.

I am thankful for you all my friends and family who have really stood up to support me in this. Your words of comfort and encouragement have been appreciated immensely.

For now, we wait.