It has been 4, almost 5 months now since we were given Noah's diagnosis. It has been one month since we said goodbye. We are promised eternity with him.
On July 24, 2017 at 10:54 pm, Noah James was born into the arms of Jesus. We knew how this would ultimately end but it did not prepare me for how things would go. Two days before Noah was born, I was sitting on the couch with Wyatt and Noah was moving around in a way I had never felt him before. I remember putting my hand on my belly and talking to him telling him it was okay and to calm down. This was the last time I felt him move. I don't know if he was gone right then or shortly after but I can tell you by the next morning I knew in my heart he was gone.
I got in the shower and got ready to run my errands for the day. I laid on the bed on all fours and every way I could to try and get Noah to move. I was in tears and James came in and just hugged me. I told him I hadn't felt him move since yesterday morning. I drank cold water and never could get him to move again. I ran my errands as best as I could, came home and packed hospital bags, did laundry etc. I had a doctor appointment Monday morning and in my heart, I knew what was going to happen and I knew we wouldn't be coming home from that appointment.
My heart was unsettled that night. I didn't sleep well or much at all. I was trying to hold it together as I was texting my doula. I was too afraid to say the words to her that I thought he was gone already but I later found out she already had a feeling herself (funny how God works, huh?). We went in for our appointment Monday morning and did the usual check up. The nurse could not find Noah's heartbeat like they usually could. She found mine and told me that was Noah's. I think she honestly was trying not to make me panic but I knew. I already knew.
The doctor came in and again could not find Noah's heartbeat. He had us go down to the ultrasound room. We had to wait for the machine to warm up. James came to hold my hand while the doctor did the sonogram. After what felt like forever he told us there was no heartbeat. All the emotions I had been trying to hold together since Sunday morning came pouring out. Noah was already in heaven. I wanted to badly to see him alive if only for a few minutes but that wasn't God's plan.
We originally thought we would go in for an induction but after discussing things with my doctor, we all chose the safest option for me which was a c-section. Due to the fertility surgeries I had last summer I was already at an increased risk for uterine rupture. Having pitocin for an induction raises that risk quite a bit so we chose the safer option. James and I sat in the room as my doctor called the hospital to make arrangements. All the beds were full so, we were sent home for awhile to wait as they discharged patients.
We made phone calls to our family and my doula. By the time we arrived back home our family was all already at our house waiting for us. My mom had been watching Wyatt as we no longer took him to appointments with us. She had our things ready to go and packed Wyatt's bag for me. We hugged our family and cried a lot of tears. Wyatt was so excited to have his cousins there to play but was trying to figure out why we were all crying again. He kept on playing which is what I would have wanted him to do anyway. The hard part for him would come later.
Our pastor and another staff member from our church came to pray with us. I remember sitting in the living room talking with him and he asked us what we thought God had shown us the most through all of this. Faith over Fear. For me, that is the biggest thing I've learned. I had absolutely ZERO control over everything. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome or to even prevent it from happening in the first place. NOTHING. You either learn to have faith no matter what and overcome every fear you have about it all or you go down a path of self destruction. Was it easy? No. Were there times I was angry/sad/mad and even questioned God. Yup. Every time that little voice of doubt or fear tried to make room in my heart, I turned to the one thing that spoke truth to my heart: my Bible.
After they left, we tried to get Wyatt to take a nap knowing it could be a later night for him. He wasn't having any of it so, I laid down with him for awhile. All I could think about was that was the last time I would ever be able to hold both of my boys here on earth. Wyatt had been praying for months that Noah could come sleep in his bed. That was the best I could do for him.
James and I put our things in the car and drove to the hospital to check in. From the moment we walked into the L&D unit we were greeted with such love. The charge nurse that checked us in was so compassionate and sweet. When she took us to our room she was getting me all set up with my high fashion gown and she asked James how he was doing. He said he was okay and she said, "No, you're not" and gave him a long hug. I wasn't even out of the bathroom from changing before my amazing doula arrived. We all hung out in the room for a bit until family started arriving. I think the nurses just stopped asking who the visitors were for and just told them our room number, ha! We maybe should have mentioned we have a lot of family :)
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