On Wednesday, we were discharged to go home and while I was glad to be out of the hospital, it brought a finality with is that was difficult. We also had to explain it all to Wyatt. He was there the night we had Noah but his main concern was the IV in mommy's arm and if it hurt. He is definitely a momma's boy and I'm okay with that. My mom brought him back to our house as he had been staying with my parents. He had made me some pictures and was showing those to me and telling me all the things he got to do at grammy's house. We sat with him on the couch and gave him the bear we made for him with Noah's heartbeat in it. We explained how Noah was not in mommy's tummy anymore and is in heaven with Jesus. We told him how he could always hear Noah's heartbeat in his bear anytime he wanted. He kept telling me it was okay and that we could bring Noah home another day. I had to tell him Noah was NEVER going to be able to come home and he just cried and cried. Trying to wrap his head around what forever means and understanding Noah won't ever be able to sleep in his bed like he prayed for and everything that means to a 4 year old was hard. I just held him for a long time and cried with him. My sweet little Wyatt was trying to comfort me and patting my face saying it was okay because we could always hear Noah's heartbeat with his bear. It melted my heart and broke it all at the same time. It's such a big thing for such a little one to comprehend.
We talk about Noah a lot and Wyatt sleeps with his bear every night. He named him Freddy. There was a bear in the floral arrangement on Noah's casket and Wyatt calls that "comfy bear". Every night he sleeps with both of them and I often hear him playing Noah's heartbeat over the monitor while he's laying in bed.
We had a graveside service one week later on July 31st for family and a few close friends. The day prior to that, both sets of our parents went with us to see Noah one last time. I think I cried the most at this point. More than I did at Noah's birth and more than I did when we first found out about Noah's diagnosis. I was so broken and hurt. I held his hand and he was so cold. I know it was just his body and he's no longer there but at that point, it didn't make it any easier. Coming to terms with the fact I would never see his chubby cheeks, his nose and lips that looked just like Wyatt's or know the color of his eyes has been beyond heartbreaking. This was the last time I would ever see his body here on earth.
Noah was buried the next day in a gown made from my very own wedding dress. We were never able to dress him in the outfit I had made for him as he was just too fragile after he was born. We were able to get some pictures of him with a hat embroidered with his name on and the same mickey mouse hat Wyatt wore the day he came home from the NICU but the only thing Noah ever wore was a piece of my wedding dress. The symbolism of that is beautiful to me. His daddy and I promised each other 8 years ago we'd be there for each other no matter what and our promise is the same for each of our children. That dress represents those things just like a rainbow is a sign of God's promises to us.
That evening we celebrated Noah with over 100 friends and family who came to our balloon release for him. I was afraid 5 people would show up but I should have known better. I was blown away by the number of people who came. It was not only our friends but friends of our family members as well. Our pastor spoke for a few minutes and then had a few people gather around us to pray while everyone else extended hands toward us as they prayed from their seats. It was such a beautiful representation of God's love. These people (many of you that are even reading this) are the very people who have walked beside us for 4 months. They are the ones who have hugged us and prayed for us. They have brought us meals and filled our freezer. They have donated money and time and offered to clean our house and mow our lawn. They are the ones who continue to carry us through the most difficult season of our lives. This is our tribe and it reaches farther that I could have imagined. There are no words to convey our gratitude.
Not only were there many who came that night but many who could not and did their own balloon release in honor of Noah. Part of our Herbalife family near Houston, friends from coast to coast and one even in front of Cinderella's Castle at Walt Disney World. There were candles lit by a close group of friends of mine who live all over the US. The list goes on and on.
Outside of praying for a miracle for Noah, I had prayed his life would be meaningful and ultimately would bring others to know Jesus. I have no doubt both of those will happen. There are hundreds and maybe even thousands of people that already know Noah's story. That is not by coincidence. My prayer remains that through our faith and through Noah's life, someone or many someone's will come to know Jesus. I can think of no greater thing to happen.
If you don't know my savior and how you can know you'll go to heaven, please let me tell you about it. Our faith has brought us through this and we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that Noah is now whole and in heaven. We also know that because Jesus died on the cross for our sins and we have accepted him into our hearts that we will one day see Jesus and our precious Noah again and for that we are eternally grateful.
Noah James Deets
July 24, 2017
3 pounds 2 ounces
15 inches
I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms. We love you our precious son.
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