One Week

It's been exactly one week since our life was completely turned upside down. As I posted my last post, I thought about editing out the section where I said I was 18 weeks along with this pregnancy and everything was fine. I wish I could edit this whole part of my life out but I can't. So, I left it but the story doesn't end there.

Last Wednesday, we went in for our routine anatomy scan. The appointment had been scheduled for this past Monday but we bumped it up so we could find out the gender of our baby and surprise our families on Easter. Instead, we got the worst news I can honestly ever imagine.

We went into the room to wait and the doctor was running late. I was anxious for him to come in and do the sonogram. When he got in the room he asked us if we wanted to know the gender and we said he did. He put a DVD in to record the sonogram I assume. He found out the gender right away. It's a boy! We were so excited and Wyatt was excited to find out he's having a brother. I could see the baby's little legs moving around and he looked like he was waving. The doctor continued on to check everything out and he got to the head. His face changed. He kept looking. He finally said, "I'm afraid I have some bad news". I knew something was wrong but in that nano second of a moment, I didn't think it would be as bad as it is.

Then the doctor told us our baby has anencephaly. WHAT?!?! I had heard the term before and knew a little bit about it. I knew he wouldn't live. My heart just sank. I looked over at James and with tears in my eyes told him our son won't live. Our son has no brain. You can see on the sonogram that there is absolutely nothing above his eyes.

In that moment, our lives forever changed. We won't ever be the same again. Ever. How do you go from planning a baby shower to planning a funeral? It makes no sense to me. I can feel our son, my baby. I feel him move and kick but the only place he can live here on earth is in my womb.

We have many questions. I would be lying if I said we understood. We don't. It is hard to wrap my ahead around it and how this could happen after everything we have been through. I have cried. I have yelled. I have been through just about every emotion any person can have in the span of a week (and sometimes within an hour). How do we explain this to Wyatt? What do we say? How much do we say? What is delivery going to be like? What will he look like? How long will he live? Will we have minutes or hours? How am I going to survive the next 4 months? Will he even make it to delivery? Do you cremate or bury? Could I have prevented this? Will it happen again?

There are thousands of questions and we have no answers. Most doctors would encourage you to induce now to save you the emotional pain of carrying to term. Ours did not. He values life like we do (part of the reason we chose him). It wouldn't have mattered. I knew the choice I would make anyway. I will carry our son to term or until Jesus takes him home - whichever is first. Was it an easy choice? Yes and no. It was easy because I saw his heart beating. I feel him moving. I can not take his life. It's not mine to take. Is it hard? A thousand times, yes. It is so incredibly hard to put into words the emotions I've had.

I talked about Joy in the Journey in my last post. It's really easy to look at this and be angry. I've had my moments of anger too. I've also had moments of Joy. What? Maybe in a few years I can look back at this and find more moments that I can't see now but there have been a few moments already.

We have had to lean more on our faith than ever before. It is literally the only thing keeping me going. I thought I would never be able to see Easter the same way after all of this and in a way I was right. However, I don't think I will look at it with sorrow as I thought I would but instead with a heart full of gratitude for what my Jesus did for us. Because of the choice he made, I know that I will see my son again and his body will be whole and perfect in every way. I keep picturing him at the feet of Jesus in heaven. It still hurts my heart to know that I won't get to spend much time with him here but it makes me happy to know he will be with the person who understands this pain like no other - God.

I have found joy in the support we have been given from family and friends. They have cried with us, they mourn with us, and they have prayed with us. On Saturday night we went to church as usual. Neither of us wanted to go but we knew we needed to be there. There were hugs from the moment we stepped in the building to the moment we left. During the invitation, we were blanketed with prayer from our pastor and several of our friends. I had held it (mostly) together during the service but at the end a sonogram was shown (it was part of the sermon). I just couldn't hold it together anymore. The tears came but I felt the hands of our friends behind us and I knew they were praying. I sobbed on my pastor's shoulder as he prayed with us at the altar. I don't remember a whole lot but I know those prayers haven't stopped (sorry about staining your jacket Kris!). It.Was.Hard.

I've had several people tell me in the last week how strong I am. I'm not. I'm not strong or brave or any of the other things people have said to me. I'm human. I'm scared, angry, sad, heartbroken and a multitude of other things. I have to take each day, hour and second at a time. We don't know how much time we really have with our son but we hope for as long as possible. I am normally a very open person (maybe too much?) but I find myself not wanting to share anything right now. I want to keep him to myself for every second I can. I don't want Wyatt to leave our sight but then I realize that's the fear talking and if there's one thing I learned you have to have faith over fear.

We will continue to go on the vacation we had planned this summer to Disney. At first, I wanted to cancel the whole thing but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go. It will be the only time I will be able to have both of my son's there with me.

I have more I want to say but I will leave that for future posts. Please keep praying for us. There are some difficult days ahead. I'm not sure I will ever be able to bring myself to call a funeral home but the reality is, those are things that have to be done.

Keep sending us texts, emails, messages, phone calls or whatever else. We do read them all. It's not always easy to respond but we do read them all. Please pray for our whole family. There are grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who are all heartbroken too and a soon to be 4 year old who doesn't understand what is going on. He doesn't what it means that his brother won't live here with us but instead with Jesus. It's so much for a little heart to comprehend and I have no doubt that when the reality of it sets in for him, he too, will be broken hearted. As a mother, that is probably the second hardest part of all of this. I can't make it better for him.

We are trusting God will carry us through. We don't know God's plan or why this happened and we probably never will here on earth but we trust that God DOES have a plan and He will see us through.

I leave you with this song by Selah. One of the singers in that group lost a baby girl soon after birth as well. This song was written for her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLuaGiu73jc

Lyrics:

There were photographs I wanted to take Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not Truth is I'm barely hanging on But there's a greater story Written long before me Because He loves you like this

[Chorus] I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who's chosen me To carry you

Such a short time Such a long road All this madness But I know That the silence Has brought me to His voice And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning Walked her through the parted seas Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes Who could love her like this?