The truth is, I have chosen it. I called my doctor today to schedule it. His nurse is out today but will call me Monday. I'm going to see what my options are at this point but I'd like to have my gall bladder our at the same time if possible. I'd rather do everything at one time because enough is enough.
It's been 46 days. Forty-six days of continuous bleeding. Forty-six days of not knowing if today will be the day. Forty-six days of what if's, waiting, and boarding an emotional roller coaster. I never thought I'd be jealous of anyone woman who had a miscarriage but I am. I have yet to talk to anyone who has had to wait this long. Most were over in days. I am going on 2 months. Every day when I pack my bag for work, I have to make sure I have enough "supplies" and pain pills because you never know if today will be the day.
I've had days of clots and heavy bleeding but the bleeding never completely stops. So, today I made the decision that enough was enough. I am scheduling surgery for the first week of June when I am out of school. If I can get my doctor to do surgery n a Friday, I will do it sooner but I'd rather not have to take off of work at the end of a school year. My resolve has disappeared. I just want to be "normal".
This weekend is mothers day. I'm not even sure I will be able to handle being at church. We'll have to see. Truthfully, I want to go to some beach, lay on a hammock and get lost in a book. Escaping reality just seems like a much more pleasant option at this point.
Ya know, I was prepared for the physical pain and even the emotional pain to a degree but no one tells you about the guilt. You feel like a failure. I already felt that way because of all my infertility issues but then when I did actually get pregnant, my body failed at that. I feel like I've failed as a mother and a wife. No one tells you about that part.
OK, pity party for one is over now. It's time to move on to surgery so, I can move on from this pit :)
I do have some good news, though! I have a new job! I will post more details when I know more.
Oh Ashely. I have been praying for you and thinking about your often. That God would help the baby pass and you'd stop bleeding.
ReplyDeleteYou need to do what makes you feel better, and if that means a d&c and that's what you need to do.
From other mom's that have gone to church on Mother's Day and regretted it, I would say skip it. It is painful and doesn't usually turn out well.
I am not going this weekend either. A friend of mine and I are going to visit Isaac at the Hospital where they sprinkled his ashes on Saturday, I need some time to celebrate with my 2 Heavenly Babies. Sweet Pea isn't buried there, but He is there in spirit. And then Sunday, I will be spending it with my earthly babies.
I would find something that you want to do that day, something that will help you heal.
You ARE NOT a failure. You did not wrong. God has a plan and he allowed this to happen. He doesn't do it to hurt us or because we're bad people. He allows bad things to happen, because we live in a fallen world. But know God will never leave you or forsake you. God will continue to walk with you and help you heal. God will use your pain to bring good, He will let you help other mom's if you'll allow him.
I hate that people don't talk about miscarriages and what to expect. I hate that miscarriages are viewed as such taboo subjects and that people don't feel like they can talk about it.
What your going through is normal. They feelings your feeling are normal. The ups and downs are normal. When the baby finally passes your emtions do get better. Just lean on those that understand and allow God to lead and heal you.
I am here for you.