Praising Him in this storm

This has been one heck of a roller coaster month! Last weekend I started what I thought my was my next cycle. Mostly, I was disappointed about it because it was the second cycle I had with a short luteal phase indicating a luteal phase problem. Luteal phase is the length of time between ovulation and menstruation or pregnancy. It needs to be no less than 10 days to give the embryo time to implant. Mine was 8 days. So, I put in a call to my doctor the next Monday to see what we needed to do. As I waited for him to call me back, I noticed that things just weren't right. My cycle wasn't shaping up to be what it normally is (as normal as my body can attempt to be that is). I asked a friend about spotting as she had some problems with it at the beginning of her pregnancy. I went home from work that day not thinking much of it. I realized I had not charted my temperature that day and looked at my thermometer to see what it said.

That's when it all changed. I realized my temperature was still way above my cover line so, the spotting I had couldn't be my cycle or my temp would be lower. I decided to take a pregnancy test thinking it couldn't be possible. I took the test and analyzed it for a good 30 minutes not knowing what to think. Was I imagining that faint 2nd line? I had no idea. I was scheduled to start my couch to 5k program with a friend that day. I went over and told her I couldn't run and why. We took the time to catch up and I made my way to the store to pick up some digital pregnancy tests.

I came home, took the test and within 3 minutes I saw the word I'd never thought I'd see in my entire life - PREGNANT! I ran out to show James and cried for awhile. I called my doctor the next morning and they squeezed me in that afternoon since I was still spotting. I wasn't concerned at this point because I knew it could still be normal.

I wasn't scared until the test I took at the doctor's office was negative. I still knew that was possible because their tests aren't as sensitive. The doctor took bloodwork and rushed the results. I called him at 7 that night to see what the results were. My blood work did in fact show I was pregnant, yay! The bad news was my HCG level was an 11. From what I can find online, my level should have been at least a 25. They had me repeat the bloodwork on Friday morning. After many phone calls between the doctor and lab etc, they were able to get the results to my doctor on Saturday morning.

I really didn't need the results as I was already showing signs of miscarrying. My doctor told me my level was a 14. It is supposed to double every 24 hours so, mine should have been in the 30's at the lowest to even have a doubling time from Wednesday. I told my doctor I thought so and he encouraged me to try and stay positive. Yeah, right.

We went to my parents house on Saturday afternoon to say our goodbyes to some of my family that was here from Australia. We enjoyed a wonderful evening with them as usual. They all knew what was going on at this point because I called my mom from work on Thursday and just sobbed. She told me to go home (so, I did) and she came over. That meant she had to explain to her house guests (my family) why she was leaving.

Anyway, before we left my parents house on Saturday night, I knew it was all over. The cramping/backaches began and by Sunday morning I was bleeding heavily. I spent the day in bed on Sunday as I was in quite a bit of pain - physically and emotionally.

Today at work was hard just for reasons that are better left unsaid but I made it. Right now, I just have to focus on knowing at least I CAN get pregnant and the surgery in January worked. What makes me sad outside of the fact we lost a baby is I know the next time I get a positive pregnancy test, I will be terrified until I can see a heartbeat and probably not until I hold my child in my arms.

I've been so blessed by the outpouring of love from family and close friends. The calls/texts/emails have been heartfelt and helpful. So, for now - we wait. I will return tomorrow for more bloodwork as I'm sure my doctor wants to see it go down to a 0. I don't know how long we will wait to try again but there is healing that will have to take place first. I've been through a range of emotions from incredible sadness to anger to happiness (strange, right?).

Until then, I'm praising God in this storm.