I had my 2 week post op last Monday. I got to see pictures, which was interesting. I had a cyst that was literally about to burst. Nothing he said was too terribly new. He told me about my gall bladder which is diseased and will have to be removed at some point in my life (when it becomes painful). He told me how he took 8 cysts out of one ovary and 10 cysts out of the other (OUCH!).
What he told me that was shocking was not only do I in fact have the PCOS, I also have endometriosis. WOW. Part of me kind of felt like, "REALLY? PCOS wasn't enough to deal with?". The other part of me knows it doesn't matter what I have, God will get me through.
The treatment: surgery removed all cysts and endometriosis, as well as cleared my fallopian tubes. I am now on Metformin (used for diabetics). Metformin is used in PCOS patients because we tend to be insulin resistent, apparently. I do NOT have diabetes but the goal is for this to help my ovaries ovulate.
Basically, it's a waiting game at this point. I have a 3 month follow up in April. My doctor seems to think I will need to come back before then because I'll be pregnant. I love that he is so optimistic but it's hard for me. I'm the realistic one. I prepare myself for the worst possible scenario because then when it happens, it doesn't hurt so much. It's my survival technique and always has been.
You see, if you build walls, you kind of start feeling a sense of protection. It's hard to let anyway past the walls because the potential for hurt is so great. At the same time, this very thing has caused me to feel isolated at times in my life. I want people to know me - truly KNOW me but I either end up over-sharing and not sharing at all.
When or how did I become like this? I can't say there is one single trigger in my life but probably many. I was made fun of a lot as a child/adolescent. Bullied even, although, I didn't recognize it as such. Sure, everyone goes through some of that but mine was probably to an extreme. I went to such a small private school that it was difficult to break out of any preconceived notions people had of me, no matter how hard you tried.
In college, I went through a traumatizing relationship. Suffice it to say, it wasn't pretty. There were days I feared for my life. Feeling trapped is the most awful feeling in the world. I still can't put it in words. I have moved on past that but you are forever scarred emotionally. You learn to recognize when your behavior changes and have to remind yourself you aren't in that situation anymore. For example, I don't have to sit in places where my back is to a wall now, just so I can see the doors.
How does this all relate back to infertility? It all comes down to emotions. I want to convince myself it won't happen because it's easier than seeing 1 pink line instead of 2. I find myself not wanting to be open with anyone because it's like admitting I'm broken, which to me = failure.
In the end, it doesn't matter because I have to remind myself this isn't about me, it's about God. It's about relinquishing my selfish desire to control the situation and let Him take the reigns. It's easier said than done but that's my focus.
I'm going to start back working out tomorrow. My goal the last year has to become as healthy as possible so WHEN I do get pregnant, I have the best chances to be healthy during it. I'm going to continue on with that plan. So, tomorrow, I will drag myself to the gym and start my love/hate relationship with running:) I lost 30 pounds so, here's hoping for 30 more !
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