One Month

It's been one month since the anencephaly diagnosis. I can't say much has happened in that time because it hasn't. The shock has worn off a bit but the sadness remains. We had our first follow up visit with my doctor this morning since we found out. We asked a lot of questions and we talked about several things like labor and delivery. I was originally supposed to have a c-section with this baby due to some complications I had during my infertility surgeries last summer. I do get to try to deliver on my own now without a c-section so, that's a little bit of good news.

The grief comes in waves and at times I don't expect it. I didn't shed a tear during Mother's Day or during baby dedication at church but I cried thinking about having to pack a hospital bag for me and not for my son. There is no baby shower this coming weekend like there should be. There is no car seat to install. There is nothing except a huge hole in my heart.

It is hard to describe this kind of grief. I wonder if this is how Mary felt watching Jesus die on the cross. The thing about this kind of grief is while there is a sadness beyond comprehension, there is also joy. When you experience something of this magnitude, it makes you see things differently. Because I know unspeakable sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.

I won't pretend any part of this is easy because it isn't. Some days are better than others. Part of me wants this part of my life to hurry up and be done with because I want this pain to go away but the other part of me knows that pain will not go away and I want to cling to this time I have with him - our son.

I find myself avoiding public places alone now. I don't want to answer awkward questions to strangers about when I'm due or if we know what we are having. People mean well but it hurts to talk about it like everything is fine. I'm not about to explain to them anything either because it isn't their business. It's also hard when I see people that know. I don't know whether to smile or cry. The pity in their eyes in hard to see. I don't want pity, I want a miracle.

I have to keep trusting that God has a plan in all of this. I don't know what it is but I trust that He has one. On that topic, one of the things that has been moved from the back burner to the front now is my desire to start a Bible Study at our church for women going through infertility, miscarriage and infant loss. This is the same Bible Study I went to last year through another church. God has opened some doors for this to happen at our church now and I will be co-leading it with a friend of mine.

Last but not least, we have chosen a name for our son. We wanted something with meaning and it had to be just the right name for him. His name is Noah James. Noah means rest or comfort and James after his daddy. Both of our boys will have middle names of their daddy now :)

For now, things go on as usual. We are looking forward to celebrating Wyatt's 4th birthday in a few weeks and then heading off to Walt Disney World to make some memories with Wyatt and Noah.