2011 was filled with many things. James and I celebrated 2 years of wedded bliss. I graduated from Graduate school. I learned to embroider. I went to Scentsy Convention in Fort Worth. I made Scentsy Director and am leading my own team now. James and I went to Disney with my parents to celebrate my Masters degree and finally, we developed a plan with my doctor for having a baby.
That sounds silly you may think. Why do we need a plan? One acronym: PCOS. In short, we are dealing with infertility and have been for about 2 years. We are just now to a place where we are doing anything "serious" about it. I wanted to finish school first because I knew I was in for a rough road. So, we are giving it to God and trusting HIS plan because ultimately it IS HIS plan above all.
So, Tuesday morning, James and I will meet my doctor at the surgery center where I will have a laparoscopic chromotubation, and HSG done. What the what? Basically, my doctor will go in through my belly button and "poke holes" in my ovaries as well as use dye to determine if all my tubes are open. The purpose of the holes in the ovaries is to encourage ovulation as that seems to be my problem. I was told it shouldn't take more than an hour and after I"m awake, I'll head home to recuperate. I'll be at work the next day. I'm not sure my doctor is real excited about that but I won't have kids and won't be driving thanks to my BFF coworker. Thursday and Friday, after my students come back, I'll play by ear.
It's scary and exciting all at once. I feel optimistic for the first time in years but I am also scared to feel that way because I don't want to be disappointed. That's the curse of IF (outside of the whole trouble trying to conceive and all) is the emotional roller coaster. One day, you are ready to face the music and the next you want to crawl under the covers and give up.
So, here I am. I am putting it all out there. The good, the bad, and the inevitable ugly. I write this not because I want everyone to know my business because, well, I don't but I write to tell you all I need your prayers. I want you all to know all things baby are hard right now. I am broken on the inside but have learned to hide it. Above all, I want you all to know why I sometimes don't want to talk and become a recluse. It's not easy for me to accept that I may never be able to conceive a child on my own but I also know God is bigger than my PCOS.
It's a double edged sword really or is it simply Faith? Either way, I am trusting God. I am not nervous about the surgery itself but for the outcome. So, pray for me come Tuesday morning and in the weeks to come as I'll be taking oral fertility meds which to put nicely, don't make my best attributes come to light :)
May it be a Blessed 2012!
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